Musings of a Future Rock Star

I heard this song today and was almost immediately in tears.  I saw the Dragon years ago and she is still burning me with her breath, dancing about me in my mind.  It is a sensation that will make my mouth curl in satisfied smile and my eyes well up in tears all at once for the rest of my life.

Miss Penny Lane.  I let you in too deep.  I bless you and curse you.  And then I smile.  Over and over again.  But this rant is not really you.  You were just a catalyst, and you no longer read these, anyway.  You were wonderful, that is true, but I do not intend to elevate that experience higher than it deserves.  Unless you want another one, that is. 

It all simply releases the need to solve other issues.  Deep ones that I had buried, long before I met her.  They are forcing thier way to the surface like Zombies called by thier master. Clawing threw the dirt, reaching out to grab my ankles.  I guess this is all my fault for playing in the graveyard.

I have been reading about Tragedy recently (thanks ) and so I think that has colored my view.  I dearly wish to see a Ven Opera.  I think it would be such exquisite misery.  At this time in my life, I am ready to embrace it. In what may be my only serious thought, I have to say this:  I am convinced I may have the kind of depression that I need help with.

I thought I could handle it, but it appears I cannot without help.  I have learned to be true enough to myself that when I see something I have to do something about it. And I can see this, even with my eyes closed.  Even while sleeping.  Especially while dreaming.  I seek it, everywhere I go.  Every breath I take. And I can see that I am consciously trying to bury it again.  Tricky thing, the mind. But the mind is a tool, driven by the spirit.  And the spirit is the real me.

While reading about Solace, I starting writing this in my mind:

I can feel it in my bones, deeper than the Light can penetrate.
I am like the flower, missed by the plow, still growing, still reaching for the Sun, but knowing it never will.
The Struggle powers itself to keep…struggling.

Still, I yearn to lie down, to the sleep that calls to me, at last.
Sweet Solace, my truest friend, you have always been there for Me.

Waiting.

You see what I mean?  This is nothing of the dangerous sort and this letter is far from a goodbye, or it would not be so…light.   So, calm down, no need to call me.  Barring accidents, I plan to be here bothering you all for a long time.  And, there is the Oath I made to my child.  I am writing all this so I don’t go down that path.  It’s all good. 

I am not looking for and will not accept any medical advice.  Please keep it to yourself unless I ask for it.  I will delete any comments or email related to this that I have not asked for.   I am gravely serious about this.

Nor am I looking for pity.  I am stronger than this.  I have had monumental change in my life in the last 3 years.  Many of the things I had pushed aside to deal with the rush of it all are now begging my attention.  Remember the Zombies?  “brains…brains…”

I have battles to fight and as a warrior, I will fight them.  This is my journey and I will not lessen it with the rantings of street shaman (this would be you).  I will seek my healing as it was meant to be; on the path in the wilderness with nature as my teacher.

Thank you for your ears and respect.

Serenity Always,

Chris

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